Faded
by NancyDrew77
Summary: Helga throws a high school "kegger".
1. Default Chapter

Hey Arnold! Does not belong to me.  
  
Faded  
  
Helga and Phoebe sat across the cafeteria watching Arnold and Gerald at another table. Helga was thinking of a way to take advantage of the fact that her parents would be out of town for the weekend. Phoebe was loyal to Helga and because of that strong bond Helga became less of a bully over the years. Phoebe understood Helga. She knew that Helga had strong feelings for Arnold. She never openly talked about her feelings for him but they existed after all these years. She still had a temper and a sharp tongue but she learned to control it more.   
  
Helga decided to share her plans for this weekend to Phoebe, "My parents are going out of town this weekend for some stupid beeper convention. I think this should be a good weekend, just think Pheebs; I can do whatever I want! Well, I guess I do whatever I want anyway, it's not like Bob and Miriam ever notice anything I do. Let's do something different. What do you think?"  
  
"Well, I guess I could spend the weekend with you, Helga. I don't think my parents would mind. In fact, we could make it a little party and invite a few friends over."   
  
"Heck yeah! We could have a kick back and I could get Harold or Big Patty to get us a keg."  
  
"Well, I don't know about that Helga. I don't think alcohol is a very good idea. I mean you don't want anyone underage to get caught drinking?"  
  
"See that's the ticket, they could crash at my house and it wouldn't be a big deal. We could get a few people like Rhonda and Nadine to pitch in for food and stuff; it'll be great. And you know what Pheebs? We could even get Gerald to hang out."  
  
Phoebe and Gerald had both been secretly pining away for each other for a while but they never really hung out. In high school, they had some classes together because they were in the honors program but Gerald mostly hung out with the jocks now. He was on the basketball team in the fall and the baseball team in the spring. Getting the opportunity to hang out socially with Gerald was a secret desire for Phoebe. She tried not to blush at the thought of hanging out with him. She changed the subject, "I guess Rhonda and Nadine are reliable and it might be kind of fun to have a get-together. Well... All right, I'll talk to the girls. You can invite whomever else you wish."  
  
Lunch was over, Helga and Phoebe parted ways. Helga went to talk to Big Patty and a few others about this weekend. Phoebe had organic chemistry with Arnold and she would bring up the kick back. She was his lab partner for this class and she had gotten to know Arnold better since junior high. They had been in almost every class together since then. She decided to mention the party hoping to grant Helga's secret wish, "Hey Arnold, how's it going?"  
  
"Pretty good but I am not sure if I am ready for this quiz."  
  
"Don't worry so much you have one of the highest grades in this class."  
  
"Lately, I have spent so much time at practice, I haven't had time to study for this class."  
  
"Speaking of not studying, if you want to blow off some steam tonight, Helga's parents are out of town and she is inviting some people over. Maybe you and Gerald would like to come?"  
  
"I dunno... Do you think Helga will mind? I mean I wouldn't want to crash I would hate to ruin her party."  
  
"Oh no, of course not, you guys wouldn't be crashing. The more the merrier, as they say."  
  
"Sure then, Gerald and me will stop by."  
  
Phoebe smiled to herself and Mr. Llewellyn walked in with the quiz. Arnold looked worried and squirmed a bit. At the other side of the school, Helga was in history with Rhonda and some other people attempting to work on their class project but instead talking about the party.  
  
Helga had become popular because she was on the girl's softball team and the drama club; those were what the popular kids did according to Rhonda Wellington Lloyd. Helga didn't really care about being popular. She had outgrown that stuff a long time ago. Helga just wanted to become an accomplished writer. All of the poetry she had written in her days at P.S. 118 had helped her get into the English honors classes. This allowed her to have at least one class with Arnold and Phoebe.   
  
As good as Helga did in school, she still felt like the little girl with the pink bow in her hair and a unibrow. Her parents still ignored everything she did and praised everything Olga did. Helga had poetry, drama, and softball to take out all her anger and frustration. This party was going to be Helga's break from the monotony of her home life, no Miriam or Bob to boss her around this weekend.  
  
By Friday, Helga was ready for the party. Her house was immaculate and she had Phoebe help her get ready. Phoebe was an expert at makeup and fixing Helga's poor eyebrows. Phoebe knew how to thread eyebrows, which was a Middle Eastern way of shaping eyebrows that she picked up at a salon. Rhonda was jealous of Phoebe but never made comments in front of anyone or else she'd feel the wrath of Helga G. Pataki. Phoebe was never one to flaunt her beauty or her skills and she rarely wore makeup but tonight was special because Gerald was going to be there. As for Helga, she was gorgeous but she never dressed up and people just thought of her as the old Helga from P.S. 118. She felt like cutting loose and she hoped that Arnold would show up so she could show her softer side.  
  
"So Phoebe, who'd you invite tonight?"  
  
"I had mentioned to Arnold in class on Monday that you having this thing over at your house. I told him he and Gerald could stop by."  
  
"I would love to see Arnold faded. That would be something."  
  
"I could image a lot of things but I would like to think that Arnold and Gerald are more responsible than that."  
  
"Phoebe, this is a joyous occasion and if people feel the need to cut loose then they should."  
  
"Helga, I know people are going to drink but I just feel a little weird about it."  
  
"Pheebs, don't worry, I seriously doubt that anybody is going to get out of hand."  
  
"Well, I hope not."  
  
Around 9PM that night, Harold and Big Patty arrived with the keg. Rhonda and Nadine brought California style pizza with trendy toppings like Thai Chicken and Eggplant Parmesan. Brainy showed up with Sid and they bring a turntable, they were DJs around underage clubs in the city. On the side, they did parties for their friends just to promote themselves.   
  
Helga's house was like a scene from some high school John Hughes film cliché. Helga was "Miss Pretty In Pink" herself, Phoebe had totally made her over. Helga was wearing a pink tube top under a sheer fuchsia shirt that was tied at the waist. Against her better judgment, she wore white denim Capri pants. She looked as if she raided Rhonda's closest. Helga's eyes were sparkly like sapphires framed by her newly sculpted brows ala Phoebe.   
  
Helga was nervous. She felt out of place. Helga stood in the kitchen watching Rhonda set up the food and Harold set up the keg. He looked at Helga, "Hey Helga, you looked worried. You need a drink."  
  
He filled a plastic cup with the amber colored beverage. And Helga smelled the stuff and decided to chug it. It was cheapest, nastiest beer ever brewed. She made a face. "Alright Helga!" Harold yelled grinning and he filled a cup for himself and refilled hers.  
  
Arnold and Gerald had been at the movies and were debating on whether or not to go to the kick back. "I dunno Gerald, I'm not sure if I want to go to Helga's party. I mean if we get caught drinking we could get kicked off the team for the season. It's risky, you know?"  
  
"You know, Arnold, I think we should go. I mean, I think we should get some of that sparkling apple cider and put it in a brown bag and watch everyone else get all faded. There are gonna be a few people not drinking there. We should catch the action."  
  
"That's actually a good idea but I would rather not pretend to drink. Ah heck, let's just go."  
  
"That's the spirit Arnold."  
  
When they arrived at the party, the music was really loud but it was good and they knew Sid and Brainy must have been the DJs. They were pretty excited. From the windows you could see people dancing. Arnold looked at his buddy, "You ready to go in?"  
  
He replied, "Most definitely".  
  
Arnold rang the doorbell and very faded Helga opens the door. Arnold and Gerald gawked at Helga's appearance, stunned by the 180-degree difference from what she looked like this afternoon. Helga grinned with all her teeth. "Oh my dear buddies come in and join the fun! Arnoldo and Geraldo, you boys, 'mi casa es su casa'" she slurred.  
  
Arnold looked at Gerald for his reaction. Although Helga had become friendly towards them over the years, she was never that friendly. They walked in and said hi to some people. But Helga in her disoriented state decided that this would be a good time to be more forward with Arnold. She grabs his shoulder, "Come on let's dance." She began dancing with him in the middle of the make shift dance floor that was once the living room. Curly was also very wasted and was trying to "get jiggy" with Rhonda and Nadine.  
  
Phoebe was standing on the side watching with a concerned look on her face. Gerald decided to talk to her. "Hi Phoebe, are you having a good time?"  
  
"Not really Gerald, this wasn't what we had in mind. I mean people are getting really wasted and I can't control them. I am afraid the neighbors are going to call the police."  
  
"Should I talk to Arnold? Maybe He and I could come up with an idea? Let me pull Helga off Arnold..."  
  
"No, that would ruin the party. I just think that Helga should maybe go upstairs and take a break. She's had like six beers and I am worried about her. I don't think she's ever drank before," Phoebe face wore a fretful expression.  
  
Gerald walked over to Arnold to talk to him about this situation, "Hey man, Helga's really wasted."  
  
"I know, I can tell. She's like all over me. Maybe I should help upstairs so she can lay down or something?"  
  
Phoebe chimed in, "Arnold that's really good idea. Gerald and I can keep an idea of what is going on here. Just make sure she doesn't fall asleep so she won't throw up on herself or anything."  
  
It didn't seem unnatural for him to be taking care of Helga because Arnold was still one of the most caring people anyone had ever met so. Even though they weren't close, Helga was still a friend. She looked at Arnold and smiled. They walked upstairs together. Helga felt uninhibited. She wanted to spill her guts and tell Arnold everything.  
  
Helga (in really slurred speech): Arnold, we need to talk. We've needed to talk for a while. I mean I should have told you a long time ago but it seems like never the right time and you always seems so perfect and you're so idealistic and I hate my parents and my sister is..."  
  
They got to Helga's room and Arnold interrupted her, "Helga, relax. Rest on your bed for a second."  
  
Helga blurted out, "Arnold, I love you!"  
  
Arnold shut the door so no one would hear the commotion. A little shocked at what he heard and decided he'd better say something. "Helga, when people drink they tend to talk a lot of smack and I think it's the alcohol talking right now."  
  
Helga pulled Arnold on the bed. He fell on top of her being too stunned to fight back. She ran her hand through the back of Arnold's soft blond hair and brought his lips close to hers. Forcefully, she kissed Arnold. Helga smelled sweet and her lips intoxicated Arnold. He kissed her back but tenderly. Arnold stopped and looked at Helga's face and kissed her again. She wasn't the same girl from grade school, she wasn't even the same girl he played ball with at Gerald Field. She was a new creature.   
  
Helga's hand caressed Arnold's back and moved slowly southward. Arnold being caught up in the moment took off Helga's sheer shirt leaving her in her tube top. Helga lifted her head off the bed and kissed Arnold's neck. He groaned with pleasure. Phoebe opened the door to check on Helga but quickly decided to go back down stairs.   
  



	2. Hang Over On A Saturday Morning

Hey Arnold! Does not belong to me.  
  
Hang Over On A Saturday Morning  
  
The next morning Helga felt sick. "Crimeney, what did I do last night?" she thought to herself. When she looked over she saw Arnold asleep next to her. She yelped in shock and rolled off her bed. There was a loud thump but Arnold was still asleep.  
  
She crawled out of her room to go to the bathroom. In the mirror she saw reminder of what happened last night. "Crimeney, I made out with Arnold and I bet everyone knows! What am I suppose to say to Arnold?"   
  
She and got into of the shower still unclear about how she should approach Phoebe and Arnold. Phoebe probably knew, everybody probably knew! Helga wrapped the towel around herself and tried to slip into her room quietly. As she opened the door, Arnold sat up. He had no shirt on. His physique had developed nicely since he started playing ball with the high school junior varsity team.  
  
"Hey," he smiled at her.  
  
"Look, could you leave I need to get dressed."  
  
The smile was wiped away by her words. Arnold tried not to be surprised, this was Helga and although she had changed she could still be abrupt. "Yeah sure, but I think we should talk."  
  
"Right, well just wait outside and I'll get dressed real quick."  
  
Arnold grabbed his shirt that lay on the floor by the bed. He put it on as he walked out of the room.  
  
Helga got dressed really quick. She wore her gray warm up outfit and pulled her hair back in a long, blond ponytail. Her hair was wet and messy. She opened the door to her room and asked Arnold to come back inside so they could talk.  
  
Helga gathered her thoughts quickly as she looked at Arnold's face, "Should I be honest or lie?"   
"Be honest, just tell him," she reasoned with herself.  
  
But of course, she lied, "Look Arnoldo, I was really faded and I don't think we should ever talk about what happened last night. I don't want anything from you and I hope you feel the same because..." The look on Arnold's face puzzled her and she paused.  
  
"Helga," he began coolly, "I never brought you to your room to make out with you. I wanted you to be safe. Phoebe said you had drunk a lot and I thought someone needed to look out for you. What happened last night I guess doesn't matter to you but you said some things that confused the heck out of me. When you make up your mind about how you feel about me let me know." He walked out of her room.  
  
Most everyone else had gone home between 4 and 5 in the morning. The house was trashed and it would take all day to clean up the mess. Gerald had fallen asleep on Bob's recliner and Rhonda was on the couch. Phoebe was awake talking to Sid and Brainy outside while they smoked. Arnold walked past them without saying word.  
  
Phoebe rushed up to Helga's room to find out what exactly happened with them. "Helga, let's talk."  
  
"Okay? But I don't know if I can... oh I think I am gonna be..." She threw up.  
  
Phoebe helped Helga to the bathroom before she threw up again. She cleaned up the mess in Helga's room and went t to check on her again. She confronted Helga about what she saw, " I went to check on you last night and you both were making out. How did that happen?"  
  
"Pheebs, I can only remember fragments but it seemed almost dream like. I instigated it, I know, I mean, I remember telling Arnold that I loved him but..."she drifted of into thought, "But I thought he would blow it off because I was drunk."  
  
"He looked pretty mad when he left."  
  
"I know. I was kinda rude this morning when I talked to him. I thought he'd act differently but he had this look in his eyes. He looked hurt, Pheebs." Tears began to stream down her cheeks. "I think I am gonna throw up again, you'd better leave."   
  
Phoebe left Helga in the bathroom and decided to make her some toast. Sid and Brainy were in the kitchen making coffee for themselves and talking about how great they did last night. She smiled at them and proceeded to get out the bread. Sid offered, "Hey, I'll make breakfast for everyone that's still here."  
  
"That sounds good, Sid," Phoebe responded. "I am going to give this toast to Helga. She's not feeling too well this morning." Phoebe took the toast to Helga, who was now on her bed crying softly. She walked in and put the toast on the nightstand and gave Helga a hug. Helga started sobbing.   
  
" I can't believe myself! I am a horrible person!" Helga cried.  
  
"No, you're not a horrible person. Look, when you feel better you need to talk to Arnold. He's a reasonable guy. I think he cares about you."  
  
"What am I suppose to tell him? 'Hey Arnold, I have been in love with you since Pre School. You have been the kindest person to me but I have been an idiot and too scared to ever tell you until I got drunk and then I couldn't even remember what I had told you.'"  
  
"That sounds like a good start," Phoebe consoled. Phoebe sat with Helga and listened to her reveal her feelings about Arnold. She told her everything from Preschool to what happened last night.  
And after Helga was finished she felt a heavy load had been lifted from her heart.  
  
They had been up there for an hour. Gerald and Rhonda had eaten the eggs and pancakes that Sid made. Brainy had left though he'd had taken all the DJ equipment home with him. Sid cleaned the kitchen but wanted to say bye to Helga before he left.   
  
Rhonda just wanted to know if Helga was okay but she had seen Arnold for a brief second but never saw him leave. She had also had a little drink but she wasn't drunk last night? Rhonda asked Gerald what the deal was.   
  
"Rhonda, I have no idea. I came here with Arnold but I don't remember him saying bye." He didn't say that he was with Helga. Rhonda might talk. It might ruin his chances with Lila and Gerald wasn't even sure what was up with Arnold anyway. Did Arnold like Helga or was he just being a nice guy and watching out for a friend? The his train of thought he explained, "Anyway Phoebe and I just talked most of the night."  
  
"How interesting." Rhonda commented.  
  
Nonchalantly he replied, "Phoebe is really smart and a great person to talk to. It would be easy for anyone to talk o her all night, she's knowledgeable.  
  
"That's true and it doesn't hurt that she's really pretty too, huh?" she winked.  
  
Gerald ignored her last comment. Phoebe had come downstairs. "Hi guys, glad to see you're awake now. I think I am going to stay and help Helga clean up. But I don't think she's coming down any time soon."  
  
"Then could you tell her I said 'bye' and 'thanks'? And if anyone wants a ride I am taking off." Sid said. Rhonda said bye and left with Sid. But Gerald decided to help Phoebe clean up.  
  
"This is going to be a lot of work." Phoebe said as she plopped down on the couch. Gerald sat next to her.   
  
"Sure is." He answered.  
  
Phoebe yawned and turned on the TV and started watching cartoons. It wasn't any special cartoon. They were just exhausted from last night. They never partied that hard in their lives; they fell asleep on the couch next to each other.  
  
  



	3. Jealous Much?

Hey Arnold! Does not belong to me.  
  
Please pardon my messiness I am new at this. I am horrible at proof reading and so my stories will probably get edited a lot. Thanks for those of you who reviewed my first two chapters; it keeps me going.   
  
Jealous Much?  
  
Helga was furious at the thought of other people knowing what went on between her and Arnold. It was no one's business. But she couldn't expect a person not to talk, that's what they do; they talk and gossip, and lie. She would handle people but she couldn't stand the thought of hurting Arnold by what she had said.   
  
She was going to talk to him about it and this time she wouldn't lie. She would tell him that she didn't intend to make out with him and ask if they could talk privately after English on Monday.  
  
She stood by the lockers waiting for Arnold. As he approached, she saw someone else with him; it was Lila. Helga lost her nerve. She walked in the classroom and sat in her usually desk by the window and began scribbling something in her notebook furiously. She had a scowl on her face that hadn't been there in years.  
  
Phoebe walked into class and sat next to Helga. She didn't say a thing. Arnold was outside laughing with Lila. And with each laugh, Helga wrote more intensely. The bell rang finally and Arnold took his usual seat. The smile that was once there while he was talking with Lila quickly vanished. He didn't look at Helga or Phoebe.   
  
There was tension in the room. Phoebe tore a sheet of paper out and wrote a note to Helga. It said: "TALK TO HIM! NOW, GO SKIP, I'll make something up for Mr. Davis if he asks where you are." Helga looked at it and looked back at Arnold. He wasn't even looking in her direction. She put her head on her desk. She was not about to approach Arnold now, knowing that a few moments ago He was laughing with Lila.  
  
"It doesn't matter," Helga thought, "He probably likes Lila anyway. What the hell does he see in her! She's not even that nice." Lila was very different; she was bitchy and whiny ever since she had dated Lorenzo. He had spoiled her. They had an on again, off again relationship and she treated him like crap. "Arnold knew that so why would he talk to her? Hadn't he gotten over her yet?" she pondered.  
  
Arnold noticed Helga was acting weird. He had intentionally walked with Lila to class to see her reaction. Lila had mentioned some interesting details about Helga years ago, which he never took seriously and had forgotten until this weekend. When Helga said that she loved him was she just drunk? He was almost sure that it wasn't the alcohol talking. He had spent most of Saturday and Sunday thinking about Helga, she had been so passionate and so intense that night. It was one of the exciting moments he had ever shared with a girl. But when he tried to talk to her she blew him off. He saw Helga turnaround to look at him with the corner of his eye. Should he talk to her or wait? "I'll wait," he thought.  
  
Mr. Davis walked into the classroom, "Good morning class. Hope your weekend was eventful. Let's get our desks in a circle to discuss Leaves of Grass." The class did as they were asked. Usually, Helga, Phoebe, and Arnold contributed more to the discussion but under the circumstances they were exceptionally quiet. Mr. Davis noticed but figured that it was just a Monday but he decided to assign people to work on presentations of a particular poet. He began the Walt Whitman lecture reading a few selections from an Anthology. The class just dragged when finally the bell rang.   
  
Helga practically ran out of the classroom. Phoebe was not too far behind. Arnold grabbed his backpack and walked to his next class. "English was going to suck the rest of the year!" he sighed.  
"Maybe he could talk to Phoebe about this. Or maybe he should just talk to Gerald. But Gerald didn't like Helga. This just sucks!"  
  
In the girls' bathroom, Helga was fuming, "Crimeney, I can't stand being that stupid English class. It's like Mr. Davis has to torture us."  
  
Phoebe was listening but she interrupted, "Helga, this is not about English or Mr. Davis, it's about him. You need to address this weekend."  
  
"No Phoebe, I don't. It doesn't matter. You know what I saw? Do you know who he was talking to?" She didn't wait for a response. "Lila! Can you believe that crap?"  
  
"Helga, you are jumping to conclusions. You need to calm down."  
  
"I need a cigarette, you got one?"  
  
"No. Look I have to go to class. Just save a seat for me at lunch. Just don't stress so much."  
  
They parted ways and the day was even less eventful. On the way home, Helga decided to stop for cigarettes. The cashier didn't card her. She stood outside and lit one up. As she turned to the right, Arnold ran right into her. "Crimeney!" She fell backwards and dropped her cigarette.   
  
"Sorry, Helga," he said as he helped her up.  
  
"Well..." She was about to scream at him when she decided to pause. She looked up into his bright blue eyes and could feel herself melt. "We need to talk."  
  
They walked together to the park silently and found a bench; they didn't face each other. Arnold began the conversation, "Helga, I don't know what you are thinking right now or how you feel. But this is how I feel, I am overwhelmed. You are a really cool person but sometimes you shut people out. I mean you shut me out after that night. That night do you remember what you told me?"  
  
"I am not sure," she hesitated.  
  
"You said that you loved me. And the way you kissed me was so different than any other time we kissed. It wasn't fake; it was you. And I think... I think if you do feel something for me I would like to know."  
  
"Why, I mean you were talking to Lila today. Why aren't you bugging her?"  
  
He laughed, "Are you jealous of Lila?"  
  
"Heck no!"  
  
He laughed harder, " What kind of moron do you think I am. Lila is a bitch. She totally used Lorenzo. And I haven't thought about her like that since fourth grade!"  
  
Helga turned bright red and looked straight into Arnold's eyes, "I can't stand you! You are so egotistical, Arnold. I am jealous of Lila because you like her instead of me, yeah right. You just don't know me and you could never understand me. I have too much depth for you!" She stood up and began to walk away.  
  
Arnold jumped up and walked after her. He grabbed her wrist and she hit him in the stomach. "Helga!" he gasped and clutched his stomach, "Please don't walk away."  
  
He let go of her wrist and she walked away.   
  
  
  
  
  



	4. So It's Like That...

Hey Arnold does not belong to me.  
  
So It's Like That...  
  
Helga had over reacted in the park. She always overreacted. She had only taken a few steps away when she thought she'd better not screw up whatever chance she might have with Arnold by being uptight.  
  
She ran back to the park. Arnold was sitting on the bench staring off in the distance. She approached him slowly. "Arnold," she called, "Hey Arnold, I am sorry."  
  
He looked at her, "Well you should be but I am not really mad at you."   
  
"This is really hard for me to say. Arnold, I think you are an alright guy. You're smart, cute and funny and you're awesome at baseball. I like you a lot actually. This whole thing is weird."  
  
"It doesn't have to be."  
  
"No matter what, it is weird. Have you heard what people have been saying?"  
  
"I don't really pay attention?"  
  
" People have been saying that you are too good for me. 'That no matter how good I look, I am still the bitch.' Why would you want to deal with a bitch?"  
  
"I think that you really do have a lot more depth and sincerity than a lot of other people. You don't kiss anyone's ass. I admire that, you've got integrity."  
  
Helga looked away, she felt like crying but she was too angry and the tears were stuck in her throat.   
  
"Helga, look don't listen to what other people say." He stood up and put his arms around her but she pulled away.  
  
"Arnold, I really have strong feelings for you but this is never going to work right now. Maybe someday or in some parallel universe I could explain myself better but just not right now. Who would have thought a stupid kickback would bring so many problems. You know, I didn't want that to happen like it did. There just can't be anything between us."  
  
Arnold looked at Helga sadly, "It's like that huh?"  
  
"I guess so."  
  
He kissed her check lightly and they both walked away from each other.  
  
It had been a few weeks and Arnold and Helga hadn't really spoken to each other. There were polite hellos and cordialities but nothing more than that. English had been hell and this week they had to perform a poem they selected. It was that day Helga had decided to perform a poem by Emily Dickinson.  
  
She stood in front of the class, her hair was a mess and she was in her warm ups for softball. Her face wore an anxious expression. She looked at the class avoiding eye contact with Arnold. "I decided to read this particular poem last night. I had actually intended to read something else but this really moved me. She took a breath and began reading:  
  
I cannot live with You -  
It would be Life -  
And Life is over there-  
Behind the Shelf  
  
The Sexton keeps the Key to-  
Putting up  
Our Life - His Porcelain-  
Like a Cup -  
  
Discarded of the Housewife -  
Quaint - or Broke -  
A newer Sevres pleases -  
Old Ones crack -  
  
I could not die - with You -  
For One must wait  
To shut down the Other's Gaze down -  
You - could not -  
  
Nor could I rise - with You -  
Because Your Face   
Would put out Jesus' -  
That New Grace  
  
Glow plain - and foreign  
On my homesick Eye -  
Except that you than he   
Shone closer by -  
  
They'd judge Us - How  
For You -served Heaven - You know,  
Or sought to -  
I could not -  
  
Because You saturated Sight -  
And I had no more Eyes  
For sordid excellence  
As Paradise  
  
And were You lost, I would be -  
Though My Name  
Rang loudest  
On the Heavenly fame -  
  
And were You - saved -  
And I - condemned to be  
Where you were not -  
That self - were Hell to Me -  
  
So We must meet apart -  
You there - I - here-  
With just the Door ajar  
That Oceans are - and Prayer -  
And that White Sustenance -  
Despair -   
  
After she had finished reading she looked up at Arnold, her eyes were red. Mr. Davis thanked her. The class clapped and she sat down. Arnold was deeply moved, He raised his hand, "Mr. Davis I would like to go next."  
  
Arnold stood tall in front of the class, "This is a poem by James Fenton. Currently, Fenton is a professor at Oxford. I really like this poem. So here it is." He looked straight at Helga and began:  
  
In Paris With You  
  
Don't talk to me of love. I've had an earful  
And I get tearful when I've downed a drink or two.  
I'm one of your talking wounded.  
I'm a hostage. I'm marooned.  
But I'm in Paris with you.  
  
Yes, I'm angry at the way I've been bamboozled  
And resentful at the mess that I've been through.  
I admit I'm on the rebound  
And I don't care where are we bound.  
I'm in Paris with you.  
  
Do you mind if we do not go to the Louvre,  
If we say sod off to sodding Notre Dame,  
If we skip the Champs Elyees  
And remain here in this sleazy   
Old hotel room  
Doing this and that  
To what and whom  
Learning who you are,  
Learning what I am.  
  
Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris,  
The little bit of Paris in our view.  
There's that crack across the ceiling   
And the hotel walls are peeling   
And I am in Paris with you.  
  
Don't talk to me of love. Let's talk of Paris.  
I'm in Paris with the slightest thing you do.  
I'm in Paris with your eyes, your mouth,  
I'm in Paris with...all points south.  
Am I embarrassing you?  
I'm in Paris with you.  
  
Once again the class clapped and Arnold sat down. Helga was red but she wouldn't look at Arnold. They both spoke through their poems that day, Helga being firm and delicate at the same time through Dickinson. Arnold wanting to say "Sod off to everyone they knew and just being together. They wouldn't though, it was just like that.  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
